Holiday Whining

Is it strange that I haven't deleted my Mom from my email addresses?Or my speed dial on the phone? I mean... it's been 2 years. You'd think I could do it by now. It's not like I am calling or emailing her. I just can't bring myself to delete them. Maybe I feel like if I delete them, I'm deleting her? Or, maybe I just like seeing her name pop up every once in awhile in my life.

Before she passed I hardly had any pictures of her up in the house. Yeah, the occasional group Christmas shot, new baby, wedding. But not many. She hated having her picture taken, and was always disappointed by the finished product. (is that why there are no pictures of me in my house?) But now, you walk in my house and BOOM! there she is... everywhere. I had to look far and wide just to find pictures of her. I had to call family members and friends and see if they had any. I like walking by and seeing her everyday. It's oddly familiar.

We used to talk on the phone everyday at 9am. That has been one of the hardest things to get past. There is a huge void there. Just catching each other up on stuff. No on else on Earth cared about my silly kids stories like she did. I don't have anyone else to share that with.This time of year is particularly difficult. She died a week before Thanksgiving, and my kids Christening. We always went to her house and had the big celebrations. Now we do it ourselves, and it's still not the same. Christmas is hard too. I know this will sound so selfish and petty, but it's how I feel. I don't get presents anymore. My husband and I are pressed for money, so we only buy for the kids. So now I don't have any gifts to open on Christmas day. Don't get me wrong I love watching my kids faces on Christmas morning. All of the wonder and excitement. I just feel like it's not really special anymore. I loved wondering what great gifts she would pick out for all of us. It was always great, well thought out, and perfect for us. I miss that.

I know enough pissing and moaning about poor me. A lot of people are far worse off than me. I just needed to write it down somewhere. Because saying it out loud really makes me sound like a whiny baby.