More with the writing

How many words are you supposed to write everyday? 10,000? Seems like a lot. I know that I need to do this. I need to proe to myself that I can stick with something. When I look at my future, I hinestly see myslef sitting at a nice little desk withna computer, looking out a window with an unbelievable view. somedays it is a beautiul llake surrounded by trees of fvery color. Sometimes a meadow with butterflies, and bunnies flittering all over in wildflowers. Most days a beach, private, of course, with the sound of waves crashing. I don;t see myself at a desk in an office setting, or a hospital, school, store...That's not what I envision. I need to to get on the balll and do this for myself. Also, for james and the kids. i don't want him to work until he dies. I wanto to enjoy retirement with him. Travelling all over the world holding hands with my love. And then going to visit the kids, and grandkids with him. I'd like the kids to not have to worry about college. I need them to go to college to have a future for themselves, not like me sitting here day after day kicking myslef for not getting some sort of degree when I had the cahnce. Why was I so stupid/

On Writing

Writers need to write. Everyday. So they tell me. Am I even a writer? I would like to be. Am I smart enough? Can I use the flowery language expected of a writer/author? I'm afraid I would leave myself to way too much scrutiny. Not sure how else to do this.Take some classes? Get a degree? Spend money to do something I'm not sure that I can even do? ACK! I need a life. I need a job. i need money. Where is the lottery fairy? I need to find a job where I can still be with the kids, that I can do after they are out of the house to contribute to the household, but what is it? If I am going to do it for the next 25 years or so, shouldn't I like it just a bit?

facebook

I have recently been spending a good amount of time on facebook. Looking up past friends and relatives. Just really re- living my past. In doing so, I have had to update people about my Mother's passing in November 2006. And it has opened up so many conversations with these people that I haven't seen in years. People that I knew, but was not friends with in High School, who have also lost their Mothers. We are a sad little group. 20 years ago we had nothing in common other than trying to survive High School. And now I cherish these women and their stories like they are my best girlfriends. It is so easy to start a thread about missing Mom's and have so many people relate to exactly how I feel. Holidays, birthdays, anniversarys are all a bit more meaningful and yet empty. It's not the same as it once was, but we have so much to be thankful for. Thank you to the founders of facebook, for helping me grieve and vent with my fellow Motherless Daughters. Their compassion and understanding has been the best therapy I could have ever asked for.

Holiday Whining

Is it strange that I haven't deleted my Mom from my email addresses?Or my speed dial on the phone? I mean... it's been 2 years. You'd think I could do it by now. It's not like I am calling or emailing her. I just can't bring myself to delete them. Maybe I feel like if I delete them, I'm deleting her? Or, maybe I just like seeing her name pop up every once in awhile in my life.

Before she passed I hardly had any pictures of her up in the house. Yeah, the occasional group Christmas shot, new baby, wedding. But not many. She hated having her picture taken, and was always disappointed by the finished product. (is that why there are no pictures of me in my house?) But now, you walk in my house and BOOM! there she is... everywhere. I had to look far and wide just to find pictures of her. I had to call family members and friends and see if they had any. I like walking by and seeing her everyday. It's oddly familiar.

We used to talk on the phone everyday at 9am. That has been one of the hardest things to get past. There is a huge void there. Just catching each other up on stuff. No on else on Earth cared about my silly kids stories like she did. I don't have anyone else to share that with.This time of year is particularly difficult. She died a week before Thanksgiving, and my kids Christening. We always went to her house and had the big celebrations. Now we do it ourselves, and it's still not the same. Christmas is hard too. I know this will sound so selfish and petty, but it's how I feel. I don't get presents anymore. My husband and I are pressed for money, so we only buy for the kids. So now I don't have any gifts to open on Christmas day. Don't get me wrong I love watching my kids faces on Christmas morning. All of the wonder and excitement. I just feel like it's not really special anymore. I loved wondering what great gifts she would pick out for all of us. It was always great, well thought out, and perfect for us. I miss that.

I know enough pissing and moaning about poor me. A lot of people are far worse off than me. I just needed to write it down somewhere. Because saying it out loud really makes me sound like a whiny baby.